Tantrums

I feel like I'm being told the wrong things by the wrong people.

I still have tantrums at age 17, an example was today when I screamed out "BITCH" to everyone in the class for no reason, hit my head into the wall for no reason, ran into the wall for no reason, and tried to leave the school building yelling retard over and over... for no reason. Did you know what we were doing in class? We were assigned to make marshmallow towers, a project that I declined to do because of my extremely busy schedule.

I can name ten reasons why I did this.

1. I have slept at 3:12am and woke up at 7:30am.
2. I'm on PMS right now.
3. Mercury is in retrograde.
4. The whole class was caught up except for me, or at least it feels like it.
5. I was wearing uncomfortable clothes.
6. I was waiting for class to end because there was no school tomorrow (no matter how much I want to admit it or not).
7. During PMS I have an inevitable tendency to feel suicidal "just because".
8. My teacher who walked with me everywhere called sick so I had nobody to hold on to (I have no friends).
9. I need therapy.
10. This was ongoing for years, maybe even more than a decade.
11. Bonus because it has nothing to do with anything: The special skills rooms I went to in my childhood had kids screaming and throwing chairs too, which accidentally normalized it for me.

Now everyone in period two hates me.

The senior principal found out about the trouble and his biggest reaction to that was... calming me down with candy and music, trying to nullify me while not even mentioning what I have done?

As much as you think that might help, it won't. I felt rewarded rather than punished, and it's been that way for a long, long time.

I think the earliest time I would've had a tantrum at school was in first grade because I was an insensitive crybaby. But it kept going and going and going.

I found out I have never gone to therapy in my life because of my dad's trauma since he had to go to therapy on purpose and because of that, he doesn't want me to get mind-controlled by society either.

He doesn't want me to change.

I don't want to change myself.

Take a deep breath.

I'm perfect, I'm beautiful, and I will always stay that way forever. I don't need to change. Not for anyone else, and not for myself. Just for God. No matter what I do, I can't fracture my true self. I'm perfect, I'm beautiful, and I will always stay that way forever.

You know what? Fuck it. The only way I can get what I want is by yelling and throwing things. The only way I can get people to notice me is to fear me. 14-year-old me was right all along. SHE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. THAT WAS MY TRUE SELF IN MY TRUE FUCKING COLORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it's time to get rid of the idea of social life. There's only one thing that matters, obeying God, yes? He will be my only friend, and He will lead me to the path of success.

I'd rather die than improve my charisma.

I don't need charisma.

I got good grades already.

I got... I got...

I don't have good grades, actually.

Never did, I was a B-student, ironically.

Fuck my life.